TOW: the Worst Best Man Ever

Ross, Joey, and Chandler: Ross comes over to Chandler and Joey's, the wedding ring in tow. He's giving the ring to his Best Man to keep safe. He also has some questions about how the bachelor party planning is coming along. Joey reminds Ross that before he comes in with rings and questions, he has to pick a Best Man. The thing is, Ross already has and it's Chandler. This start a thing between the three, because Chandler's already been Ross's Best Man at one wedding. Joey doesn't have any brothers, and he doesn't expect Chandler to ever get married, so now he's never going to get to be a Best Man. Ross gets upset because he never gets to be Chandler's Best Man if Chandler gets married. The whole thing snowballs out of control, the end result being that Chandler isn't Ross's Best Man anymore, Joey is. Joey and Ross are in Central Perk together, going over details for the bachelor party. Joey hasn't really done much planning, but they do talk about the guest list. Chandler comes in, and is teased about the first bachelor party he threw for Ross. Ross leaves, but not before explaining he wants a mellow party, with a few friends, and no strippers. Joey ignores the stripper thing, and hires one anyway. The party and the stripper are a huge success. Chandler makes an announcement that Gunther is going to be his Best Man. Chandler doesn't know Gunther's last name, and Gunther leaves. Ross thanks Joey for a great party, and Joey hands him a Ross's bachelor party t-shirt as he leaves. Chandler announces that the position for his Best Man is still open, before going to his room. Joey kicks out the remaining museum geeks, starting a conversation with the stripper (Lisa Rotondi), who's still packing up. They end up hitting it off (of course), when she thinks the chick and duck are cute. Joey asks her to stay awhile. He wakes up alone in bed, and notices that Ross's ring is gone. He wakes Chandler up, panicking about the ring being missing. Chandler can't help but laugh, seeing as Joey is officially the worst Best Man ever. Joey calls the stripper's company and the cops, but neither is any help. Chandler's really not all that worried about helping, since he comes out looking good in the situation. Ross comes by to thank them again for the great party. Joey starts asking about the ring, learning it's a priceless family heirloom. He tells Ross the stripper stole the ring. Ross flips (justifiably so), and wants to make the same calls Joey did. Joey explains the steps he's already taken to locate the ring. Chandler suggests that they set up an appointment with the stripper, using fake names, and having her come to Chandler's office. In Chandler's office, Joey gives them a background story, and Chandler warns Ross to be cool about the confrontation. The stripper arrives, Ross loses it, interrogating the stripper about the stolen ring. She really doesn't have the ring. To prove it she tells the guys how much money she makes, illustrating that she doesn't need to steal jewelry. The guys go back to Chandler and Joey's, trying to figure out where the ring could've gone, if it didn't leave Joey's bedroom. The duck waddles into the living room, and everyone realizes that the duck must've eaten it. The rush the duck to the vet, and Joey worries that his pet's going to die. There's a montage of all the guys with the duck. The vet comes out with the ring, having successfully retrieved it. The duck is fine. Joey thanks Ross for being so cool about the duck eating the ring. Joey then explains that he's going to step down as Ross's Best Man, because Chandler would be so much better. Chandler and Joey argue about this for awhile, until Ross points out that it's his wedding, and he gets to pick. He tells them they're both his Best Man (men?). They get emotional.

Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel: Everyone's in Central Perk, and Phoebe's complaining about how hard it is to be pregnant. She has to pee all the time, has back pain, can't sleep, and has severe mood swings. Later, all the girls are at Monica and Rachel's, where Phoebe is scolding one of the babies for kicking another. Joey comes in, looking for a bowl for the bachelor party. The girls want to be invited, but Joey refuses. Monica decides they're going to throw a baby shower for Phoebe, not inviting the guys. Joey could really care less and leaves, but Phoebe's really excited. Being really hormonal, Phoebe ends up crying for no reason. Monica goes shopping for the baby shower, and comes home with all these little outfits for the babies. She's showing Rachel the clothes, and mentions how much fun Phoebe'll have, dressing the babies. They both have the realization that Phoebe's not keeping the babies. To solve the issue of throwing a baby shower for a surrogate mother, they decide the gifts should all be things Phoebe can use after she's had the baby. The party is a huge failure. Someone gets Phoebe a pair of leather pants, and Phoebe's incensed--because she can't use them for another two months--that she storms into the bathroom. Monica and Rachel are hanging out in Central Perk, when Phoebe comes in. They're afraid of her, but Phoebe apologizes for the way she acted at the baby shower. She's been so focused on herself lately, that she wants to spend sometime talking about Monica and Rachel's problems. Rachel tells Phoebe that they were just talking about Ross's wedding, and Rachel not going. Phoebe tells a story about a man offering to giver her food if she slept with him while she was homeless. It didn't have anything to do with Rachel's story, Phoebe just wanted to illustrate how Rachel's problem wasn't that important. Rachel cries, and Phoebe makes fun of her for being a cry baby. Back at the apartment, Monica and Rachel make Phoebe tea. They're even more scared of her than before. Phoebe has a contraction, and Monica and Rachel enter frenzy mode, thinking Phoebe's gone into labour. Phoebe tells the girls it's probably just false labour, and nothing to worry about. Just in case, she wants Monica or Rachel to bring her 'the book.' Rachel brings her the Bible. The girls talk about the false labour, and how you can tell the difference between the real one and the fake one. Phoebe explains that some of her behavior's been motivated by the fact that she gets to carry the babies, and give birth to them, but she doesn't get to be their mom. Rachel and Monica convince her that being the surrogate and the aunt, is better than being the mom. This way Phoebe can be their friend and confidante, without having to be a parent. Phoebe feels better, and they all hug it out.

The Last Scene: Monica's in Central Perk, watching Emily gaze at the wedding ring. Ross comes up to Monica, and Monica asks why Ross got Nana's ring. It's because their mom doesn't expect Monica to ever get married. Ross says he'd give Monica the ring, but Emily's really attached to it. They go over to the couch, and Monica mentions that the ring spent two weeks in a duck's colon.

• The fight that leads to Joey becoming the Best Man is really stupid. And by stupid, I mean there's really little reason for it, but, damn it's funny.

• Joey totally has a point about Chandler already having been Ross's Best Man. They should've done Chandler as Best Man for Ross, Ross as Best Man for Joey, and Joey as Best Man for Chandler. If they'd decided this before hand, there'd be no issue.

• The stripper reminds me of Leslie Mann.

The Stripper

Leslie Mann.
Maybe it's just me. It could also be something about their voices.

• Usually, when Ross flips out about something, I think he's overreacting. Here, I think he's totally right to be mad. Although...I was just out running, trying to decide how much of it would've been Joey's fault if the stripper had stolen the ring. I don't think he can be blamed for sleeping with the stripper, but he totally should've had the ring in a safer spot. Who leaves someone else's jewelry in an open box on their nightstand?

• The duck montage is silly. I like the duck, but still.

• Phoebe's scary.

• The baby shower thing just has 'bad idea' written all over it. How did Monica and Rachel think this was going to play out?

• It doesn't make sense for Phoebe to want leather pants. Phoebe is a vegetarian. Why would she want a cow to die for her to have pants?

• It's been a long time since I felt the need to make fun of anyone's clothes. But this thing Monica's wearing doesn't match.

Separately, the shirt and skirt are cute. Together, not so much. Also...it appears Rachel's wearing camo.

• It's the best thing ever that Phoebe asks for 'the book,' and Rachel brings her the Bible. Because that particular book is an authority on false labor. I think there's a chapter in Leviticus.

• Duck colon. Ew.

• Now, I'm confused. Is Nana's ring an engagement ring or wedding ring? Cause I thought it was a wedding ring, yet Emily's wearing it in the final scene. If it is the wedding ring, which Ross is letting Emily wear early, then why did he give it to Joey in the first place? So many questions...

The Magna Doodle Says

"Another One Bites the Dust."

Oh. My. God.

"I'm not even getting married! Okay, this is a question for science fiction writers!" -Chandler, during the Best Man argument.

"Get your ass back here, Tribbiani!!!" -Phoebe, to Joey, when he won't tell the girls about the party.

"Tell ya what, let's not invite any of the anthropologists, only the dinosaur duuuudes."

"Okay! We'll need a six-pack of Zima."

-Ross and Joey, about the guest and drink lists.

"Yeah, see, I don't think it's gonna be that difficult considering this one won't be taking place in the basement of a Pizza Hut."

"Oh, I'm Ross! I'm Ross! I'm too good for the hut; I'm too good for the hut." -Ross and Chandler, about Ross's first bachelor party.

"Well, there's gonna be strippers there. He didn't say anything about no strippers."

"He just said, 'no strippers'."

"Oh, I chose not to hear that." -Joey and Chandler, about the party.

"Can you believe they make these for little people?"

"Little village people." -Monica and Rachel, when Monica comes home with a biker and cowboy costume for the babies.

"We are throwing the most depressing baby shower ever!" -Rachel, when they remember Phoebe isn't keeping the babies.

"Smooth man. Yeah, you got some chili on your neck." -Ross, to Chandler, after Chandler hits on the stripper.

"And I got the duck totally trained. Watch this. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white." -Joey, trying to impress the stripper with the duck's tricks.

"I'll let you play with my duck." -Joey, to the stripper.

"The stripper stole the ring!! THE STRIPPER STOLE THE RING!!!" -Joey, waking up and finding the stripper and ring gone.

"Well, let's see, it's not. Really like that. Because, you see that was an actual problem, and uh, yours is just like, y'know, high school crap that nobody really gives, y'know..." -Phoebe, to Rachel, about Rachel's problems with Ross.

"It's okay! I'm gonna-I'm gonna-I'm gonna boil some water and just rip up some sheets!" -Rachel, helping when Phoebe has a contraction.

"You be Mr. Gonzalez, and I'll be, uh, Mr. Wong."

"Diverse." -Joey and Ross, making up fake names for when they meet the stripper again.

"I still don't get how you know when it's false labour."

"Well, do you see any babies?" -Rachel and Phoebe.

"I'm gonna be, y'know, sitting around in my leather pants, drinking tequila."

"Some moms do that." -Phoebe and Monica, about what Phoebe gets to do after she has babies instead of raise them.

"Did you know that ring spent two days in a duck's colon?" -Monica to Emily, about the ring.