TOW: Everybody Finds Out

Ross: watches Ugly Naked Guy pack up his apartment. He decides it might be fun to live right across from Monica and Rachel. The next day, Ross, Phoebe, and Rachel go over to check out Ugly Naked guy's place. Ross thinks it's amazing, stunned that he never noticed how great the apartment is. Phoebe threatens to go fill out an application herself, and Ross runs out to fill out an application of his own. When he comes back, Rachel and Phoebe are jumping and screaming. Rachel tells him it's because they're so excited he could get this apartment. he starts jumping and screaming, too. Ross goes over to Monica and Rachel's with news about Ugly Naked Guy's place. He learned that Ugly Naked Guy is subletting the apartment himself, and has already gotten over a hundred applications. To get more of an edge, Ross sent Ugly Naked Guy a basket of mini-muffins. He wants the gang to see it, so he calls them over to the window. Instead of seeing Ross's basket of mini-muffins, they see a pinball machine, a mountain bike, and a whole table of muffin baskets. Ross pouts because obviously his bribe isn't going to get him anywhere. He stresses over not getting the apartment, since he wants it so badly. Rachel suggests Ross go over, and talk to Ugly Naked Guy about something he's interested in. They discuss a few things Ross could relate to him about, but don't come up with anything concrete before Ross has to pick Ben up. Ross ends up knocking at Ugly Naked Guy's door. He applauds Ugly Naked Guy for his lack of clothes. Across the street, the rest of the gang notices that Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend; Ross. Ross gets the apartment, and invites his museum boss, Donald, over. He's trying to prove he's getting his life together. Donald invites Ross to come back to the museum, but as Ross accepts, he gets quite the surprise from Chandler and Monica.

Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey: go with Ross to look at Ugly Naked Guy's apartment. Rachel goes to the restroom while Ross is putting in his application, leaving Phoebe alone in the living room. She notices Chandler and Monica across the street, waving to them. They don't notice since they start doing other things. Phoebe screams in shock, making Rachel sprint out of the bathroom. Rachel calms Phoebe down, telling her that she knows about Chandler and Monica, and Joey does, too, but Ross doesn't. To divert Ross from what's going on across the street, Rachel starts jumping and screaming out of joy for Ross possibly getting such a great apartment. Rachel tells Phoebe what she knows about Chandler and Monica's relationship. Joey comes in, and Rachel tells him that Phoebe knows. Joey's relieved, thinking that the secret keeping is over. Only, Phoebe thinks it'd be really fun to mess with Chandler and Monica. Joey doesn't want to do it, but Rachel's on board. Phoebe tells Rachel to use her position as the roommate, while Phoebe uses her sexuality. Chandler comes in for coffee, and Phoebe goes to flirt with him. She squeezes his bicep, giggles, confesses she's gotta thing for him, and indicates she'd like to hook up. The next day, Rachel asks Monica if she'd like to go to a movie, but Monica declines since she has to do 'laundry.' Rachel goes to her room, bringing out a gigantic laundry bag. Phoebe gives Monica quarters. As Rachel and Phoebe leave, Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Phoebe gets a phone call from Chandler, wanting to set up a date. Rachel realizes this means that Chandler and Monica are on to them. Joey confirms Rachel's suspicions, but again Phoebe and Rachel aren't finished. When Chandler's over, Phoebe accepts the date. With Rachel and Joey's help, Phoebe prepares for the date with perfume and wine. Rachel listens at the door. She goes over to Chandler's, pulling out all the stops to seduce him. She dances, Chandler suggests they should go to his room, Phoebe'd rather be slathered in lotion; Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion, while Phoebe scrambles to the hall. Phoebe's getting worried, since Chandler isn't breaking down. Joey, suddenly knowing that once Chandler breaks all the secrets'll be over, tells Phoebe to show Chandler her bra. He'll freak out because he can't work them. He rips Phoebe's blouse open, amazingly not tearing off any buttons, and sends her back in. Chandler and Phoebe actually kiss, before Chandler gives in.

Monica and Chandler: Chandler's astonished when Phoebe hits on him in Central Perk. He tells Monica all about it in bed that evening, but she doesn't believe him. She knows that Phoebe's never been attracted to Chandler, and thinks he's misreading her actions. Chandler says he's doing laundry with Monica when Rachel invites Monica to the movies. They're both miffed when Rachel gives them actual laundry to do. Monica catches when Phoebe pinches Chandler's ass. Even after seeing it, she can't believe Phoebe's seriously interested in Chandler. She realizes that Phoebe knows about the relationship, and is messing with them. They go across the hall to confront Joey, thinking he told. Joey admits that Rachel and Phoebe know, but that they found out on their own. Again, Joey thinks all the secrets will stop, but now Chandler and Monica want to mess with Rachel and Phoebe. Chandler calls Phoebe to set up a date. When Phoebe eventually agrees to the date, Chandler freaks out. Monica calms him down. They're in the bathroom, preparing for the date. Chandler's panicking, but Monica tells him that Phoebe'll definitely give in. The date starts, and it's incredibly awkward. Chandler runs to the bathroom for lotion and encouragement when Phoebe wants to be slathered, naked. Monica reassures him, sending him back out to deal with Phoebe. Chandler notices Phoebe's shirt is ripped open, it makes him even more uncomfortable. They prepare to kiss, lips actually meeting, before Chandler gives it up. He tells Phoebe they can't have sex, because he loves Monica. Monica comes out of the bathroom, and they say they love each other. Rachel and Joey come in from the hall, and everyone thinks it's sweet. Joey thinks the secrets are over, but Ross still doesn't know about them, and they don't want him to be told.

• Bye, Ugly Naked Guy.

Your naked shenanigans will be missed.

• Phoebe finds out.

It's always great when all of your friends have seen you doing it with your boyfriend.

• When all else fails, jump.

Boy, that's an orange coat Phoebe's got.

• Phoebe and Rachel
  

the faces of evil.

• Joey has a stuffed animal. Um, aw.

• In which Phoebe uses her sexuality.

Hello, Mr. Bing.

• Chandler just can't win. Monica's dating him, and still doesn't think it's possible Phoebe could be attracted to him.

• Rachel giving Monica and Chandler actual laundry to do is pure genius. And soooo evil.
  

• Man, Ugly Naked Guy's apartment really is in high demand. I wish I had something that good to sell. I could use a pinball machine.
  

• Ass pinching.

• Monica does know Rachel knows, though. They had that whole conversation where Monica says Chandler's paying her to clean his room, and Rachel congratulates her on her new job.

• Chandler and Phoebe's hot date.

That's about as awkward as Michael Jackson kissing Lisa-Marie Presley.

• That shit takes talent.

Really, that's an exceptionally pretty bra.

• CHANDLER LOVES MONICA

This is less like Joanie loves Chachi than I made it sound.

• GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!

This is totally a best moment ever.

The Magna Doodle Says:

It's a little drawing of skiers.

Oh. My. God.

"Ironically, most of the boxes seem to be labeled clothes." -Ross, watching Ugly Naked Guy move.

"Ohh, I'm gonna miss that big old squishy butt." -Rachel, watching Ugly Naked Guy.

"I can't believe I never realized how great it is!"

"Well, that is because your eye immediately goes to the big naked man." -Ross and Rachel, viewing Ugly Naked Guy's apartment.

"CHANDLER AND MONICA!!! CHANDLER AND MONICA!!!" -Phoebe, finding out about Chandler and Monica.

"All that time Monica spent on the phone with sad Linda from camp?!"

"Uh-huh, doing it. Doing it, phone doing it." -Phoebe and Rachel, discussing Chandler and Monica's relationship.

"Actually, we saw them doing it up against the window." -Rachel, telling Joey that Phoebe knows.

"Okay, so now they know that you know, and they don't know that Rachel knows?" -Phoebe, to Joey about who knows what.

"Oh yeah? Well, you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal." -Joey, telling Phoebe and Rachel about his stuffed animal.

"Well, I try to, y'know, squeeze things." -Chandler, when Phoebe compliments his arms.

"Well, my grandfather was Swedish, and my grandmother was actually a tiny little bunny." -Chandler, to Monica, on why he's so cute.

"I'm sorry, it's just, Phoebe always thought you were--you were charming in a--in a sexless kind of way."

"Oh, y'know, I--I can't hear that enough." -Monica and Chandler, discussing Phoebe's motives.

"Someone sent us a basket at work once, and people went crazy over those little muffins. It was the best day."

"Your work makes me sad." -Ross and Chandler, about the mini-muffins Ross sends to Ugly Naked Guy.

"Okay, but what about, y'know, my pinchable butt and my bulging biceps--she knows!!" -Chandler, realizing Phoebe knows about he and Monica.

"But see, they don't know that we know that they know!" -Monica, after learning Rachel and Phoebe know.

"Yeah, poor cat, never saw that big butt coming." -Joey, on what happened to Ugly naked Guy's cat.

"Oh my God! He wants me to come over and feel his bicep and more!" -Phoebe, after Chandler calls to set up a date.

"They don't know that we know they know we know! Joey, you can't say anything!"

"I couldn't even if I wanted to." -Phoebe and Joey, after learning Chandler and Monica know that Phoebe and Rachel know.

"I'm looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse." -Phoebe, to Chandler, after setting up their date.

"Check it out! Ugly Naked Guy has a naked friend!" -Joey.

"It's Naked Ross!" -Rachel.

"Y'know, when you say things like that, it makes me wanna rip that sweater vest right off!" -Phoebe, on her date with Chandler.

"I'm very glad we're gonna be having all the sex." -Chandler, to Phoebe, during their date.

"I can't have sex with you, because I'm in love with Monica!!" -Chandler, cracking under the pressure.

"I just-- I thought you guys were doing it, I didn't know you were in love!" -Phoebe, after Monica and Chandler tell they love each other.

"What are you doing?!! GET OFF MY SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Ross, seeing Chandler and Monica doing it.

TOW: Joey's Bag

Joey and Rachel: Ross nearly steps on Joey's top hat. Joey pulls it out from under Ross's feet, putting it on. He explains to Ross and Chandler that the hat is for an audition. Joey's going out for the part of a very suave, well-dressed character, and thinks the hat helps. Chandler and Ross make fun, but Rachel offers to help Joey out if he comes to the store. The next day, Rachel finds Joey the perfect outfit, but there's a little something missing. Rachel gives Joey a shoulder bag to complete the look. Joey's not into it at first, even after Rachel shows him that men are carrying it in the catalog. He changes his mind about the bag, though, when he sees how good it looks on him. When Joey gets to Central Perk, Ross and Chandler tease him, but Joey's pretty much in love with the bag. He's realized that not only is it fashionable, but it's functional as well. He's decided to keep it after the audition, and will pay Rachel with what he makes after he gets the part. The next morning, Joey comes in all ready for his big audition. Rachel thinks the bag will totally help him get the part. The others still aren't sure about the bag's merits, but Joey informs them that they better get used to it. At the audition, the director asks Joey to read the lines without his 'purse.' Joey agrees, but can't make it through the reading. He stops to tell the director that it's not a purse, but a shoulder bag. He gets out the catalog to show the director that men are wearing the bag, too. The director's not impressed, sending Joey off. Joey, however, thinks that he's got the part. He goes back to Monica and Rachel's, telling them he didn't get the role, after all. The director had a problem with the bag. Monica suggests it's time to give the bag up, and Joey turns to Rachel for support. Rachel's given up on the bag though, taking Monica's side. Joey decides to give up the bag, albeit reluctantly. Before he gives it up, he notices that there's a whole side of pockets he missed.

Phoebe: arrives at Central Perk during the discussion about Joey's hat. Tragically, her grandma just passed away. They comfort Phoebe, who's taking it remarkably well, already sure she'd see her grandma again. Phoebe goes to Ursula's apartment, to let Ursula know that their grandma died, and that they're having a memorial service. Ursula thought their grandma was already dead, and isn't going to come to the service. She's also got concert tickets for the same night. Phoebe hands out 3-D glasses at the memorial service. A man enters behind the gang, and starts talking with Phoebe. He tells Phoebe that he used to be close to Francis and Lily, and his name is Frank Buffay (Bob Balaban). Phoebe's understandably surprised, but when questioned, Frank claims his name is really Joe Hill. He gets flustered, running off. Phoebe tells the gang that the man is her father, and goes after him. When she comes back inside, she tells the group that she told Frank her name was Glenda, and that she was the executor of Francis's estate. They have a meeting set for the next day. The service starts, so they don't have more time to discuss the meeting. The next morning, Phoebe prepares to go to Central Perk to meet with Frank. Everyone wants to know if Phoebe'll tell Frank who she really is, but Phoebe's not sure if she will or not. Ross tells her he'd definitely tell, because he'd be so furious at being abandoned. Phoebe claims she's over all that, but Monica notices how tense she is. Monica attempts to massage Phoebe with disastrous results. At the meeting, Franks asks for what Francis left him, but all Phoebe has to give is a used tube of lipstick. She says Frank has to answer some questions to get the gift, but the questions make Frank uncomfortable. He's ready to leave, but before he does he gives a note to Phoebe to give to Lily. Phoebe's confused, since Lily's dead. She tells Frank, and he's horrified; he had no idea. He asks what happened to the girls, and Phoebe tells him about Ursula, then tells him that she's Phoebe. Frank apologizes for leaving, but Phoebe says it doesn't matter. Frank defends his actions by claiming he was a horrible father. They have a moment after Frank sings a lullaby he made up for the girls. It's got the same melody as 'Smelly Cat'. Phoebe calls Ursula to tell her about their father. Ursula doesn't really care, cause she thinks their dad is John Glenn, and she's in a paternity lawsuit against him.

Chandler and Monica: decide to give one another massages. Monica really enjoys hers, and informs Chandler he's lucky, because she gives great massages. As soon as she starts rubbing Chandler's back, he winces in pain. He tries to get her to stop, but she thinks she's great at it, and he doesn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. He tells Joey how horrible Monica's massages are, though. Joey encourages him to tell Monica the truth, but Chandler's afraid he'll ruin the first real relationship he's ever had. Everything's going pretty great until Monica attempts to give Phoebe a massage. Phoebe shrieks, and tells Monica it felt horrible. Monica's shocked, looking to the others for backup. Ross agrees with Phoebe, so Monica points out that Rachel used to like the massages until she became allergic. Monica then says that Chandler likes them, proceeding to start rubbing his shoulders. Chandler's face contorts in pain, and he tells Monica he doesn't like her massages. Monica starts to lecture him about lying before realizing they're around people who don't know about their relationship. Later, Chandler comes by to apologize. He tells Monica he really does like her massages. Monica informs him that she can handle the truth, so he tells her the massage wasn't good. She starts to cry, which he tries to make better by saying she can't be the best at everything. This makes it all worse. Chandler tells Monica that she gives the best bad massage; that her massages are so bad she deserves an award. This makes her feel better.

Ross: doesn't do much. Except tease Joey.

• This episode is good, but not particularly special.

• Boys in hats.

I feel that Joey should be driving a hansom cab.

• Poor, Phoebe. It's so sad her grandma dies.

• Joey's bag.

What's the big deal with it? It doesn't look like a purse, really, more like something a business man would carry.

• I don't really get Ursula. Is she supposed to be completely out-of-touch or a bitch?

• Frank Buffay

• Seriously, when we learn that he's Frank, a guy in the audience gasps so melodramatically; it's ridiculous. It's like the gasp you reserve for the end of Sixth Sense not meeting Phoebe's dad the first time in an episode of Friends.

• Everyone rocking their 3-D glasses.
  

What did they use them for?

• I don't know how I'd feel about meeting the father that abandoned me... I'd probably be angry, but part of me wonders if I'd also feel just a tad bit ambivalent.

• The massaging thing is cute, and very couple-like for Chandler and Monica, but I'm not sure I care that much.

God, Rachel, your smile's just evil.

• It's hilarious that she feels better when Chandler tells her she's the best at giving bad massages, though.

• I like that Frank didn't know Lily was dead. It makes him slightly more sympathetic, that all these years he had no idea, and wasn't intentionally leaving the girls to live out on the street.

• Speaking of living on the street, did Ursula? And why didn't their grandma take them in?

• Aww, Frank's lullaby has the same tune as Smelly Cat.

• Joey's forced to give up his man's bag.

• John Glenn!? I'm pretty sure this scene wasn't part of the episode when it originally aired. Still, John Glenn!?

Oh. My. God.

"Good-bye muscles!" -Chandler, during his first massage by Monica.

"Okay, it was like she was torturing me for information. And I wanted to give it up, I just--I didn't know what it was!" -Chandler, to Joey, about the massage.

"And the bunny got away?" -Chandler, examining Joey's top hat.

"Guys! Guys! I just saw two people having sex in a car right outside!" -Monica, before she learns that Phoebe's grandma died.

"Well, ummm, okay, we were in the market and she bent down to get some yogurt, and she just never came back up again." -Phoebe, explaining how her grandma died.

"Exactly! Unisex!"

"Maybe you need sex. I had sex a couple days ago."

"No! No, Joey, u-n-i sex."

"Well, I ain't gonna say no to that." -Rachel and Joey, discussing the unisex qualities of the shoulder bag.

" Thanks! Enjoy your funeral!" -Ursula, to Phoebe.

"Wow, you look just like your son, Mrs. Tribbiani!" -Chandler, seeing Joey with the bag for the first time.

"What's the part, Auntie Mame?" -Ross, to Joey, after seeing the bag. The transcript has the line as "What's the part, anti-man?" Hahahahaha.

"I think it's sexy."

"U-n-i sexy?" -Rachel and Joey, about the bag.

"Pulling flowers out of it makes the bag look a lot more masculine." -Chandler, to Joey, at the memorial service.

"That bag is gonna get you the part."

"And a date with a man." -Rachel and Chandler, again with the bag.

"So from now on, you guys are gonna have to get used to the fact that Joey comes with a bag!" -Joey, defending his bad.

"Oh, stop it!!! Why?! Why are you doing that to me?!" -Phoebe, after Monica tries to give her a massage.

"Oh my God! You don't know me at all!" -Monica, to Chandler, when he says she doesn't always have to be the best.

"Well, if she isn't, then cremating her was a big mistake." -Phoebe, to Frank, after he learns Lily's dead.

"Yep, lipstick and a daughter, big day for you!" -Phoebe, to Frank.

"I just don't know if the world is ready for you and your bag." -Rachel, to Joey.

TOW: Chandler's Work Laugh

Chandler and Monica: go to one of Chandler's office parties together. They're pretty excited that they're able to be out about their relationship. Doug comes up with his wife, Kara (Lise Simms), and we're introduced to Chandler's fake laugh. Monica's never heard the fake laugh before, and is a little creeped out. Chandler explains about his work laugh, and Monica practices hers. The next day, Chandler tells Monica that she was a big hit with his co-workers; they even like him a little better because of her. Anyway, Doug invited Chandler and Monica to play tennis with him and his wife. Chandler's actually kind of excited since Doug's never asked him to do anything outside of work. During the tennis match, Monica does her insanely competitive thing, seriously kicking Doug and Kara's asses. Chandler wants her to ease up a little, letting Doug and Kara win the next match. Monica's horrified by what Chandler's suggesting. Doug asks that the next game be their last, and Monica says she'll try to let them win. Of course she can't do that, so Chandler purposefully makes bad moves to let Doug and his wife win. Monica's pissed off about it, complaining about Chandler throwing the last game all the way home. She was so angry, as a matter of fact, that she broke Chandler's tennis racket. She finally tells Chandler that she doesn't like his work personality. Monica thinks he should be more himself, instead of an irritating suck-up. Chandler decides to withhold sex that evening. Monica and Chandler have dinner with Doug and Kara. Chandler's been really irritating, and Monica's mostly unamused by Doug. When Doug and Kara excuse themselves to get coffee and desert, Monica tells Chandler she doesn't want to go to his work stuff anymore. She loves him, but doesn't respect the brown-nosing work Chandler. Doug comes from the kitchen with the coffee, making a lame joke about how weak Kara's coffee is. Chandler doesn't laugh, telling Doug he didn't think the joke was funny. It's really awkward, so Monica steps in, explaining the joke to Chandler. When the joke is explained, Chandler and Monica do the fake laugh.

Rachel: wants to talk Joey about Chandler and Monica all the time. Joey doesn't have much else to tell her about, but she continues pestering him with questions. Rachel decides to try and get some answers from Monica. She goes to Central Perk on her lunch break, specifically to talk to Monica. She thinks that they haven't been able to have a nice chat in awhile. They have a little small talk, Rachel steering the conversation toward men. Monica doesn't take the bait, and Rachel has to go back to work. A few days later, Rachel tries a new tactic. She confesses to Monica that she made out with a guy that Monica liked back when they were in high school. She waits for Monica to confess a secret she's kept from Rachel, but Monica doesn't have anything to confess. Rachel admits that she overheard Monica setting up a date with Chandler. Monica laughs it off, saying that they were just talking, and she was actually calling Chandler a bigot. Rachel doesn't believe it, but goes with Monica's explanation. Joey comes over one afternoon to get away from Chandler and Monica. Rachel's upset because Monica called her, saying she had to work late. She's sad that Monica's been lying about Chandler, deciding to go across the hall and confront them. She sneaks into Chandler and Joey's, creeping up to listen at Chandler's door. She hears Monica telling Chandler he has to make racist jokes, since Rachel now thinks he's a bigot. Monica goes on to say that lying to Rachel makes her really sad, since she's always told Rachel everything. Rachel feels guilty for spying, and leaves, only she knocks over a lamp on her way out. Monica comes out of Chandler's room, thinking it was Joey. Neither of them know what to say to one another. Monica tells Rachel that Chandler's started paying her to clean his room; that's what she meant when she said she was working late. Rachel goes along with this, saying she only came over to borrow a lamp. Rachel congratulates Monica on her knew job with a hug, and leaves. Chandler comes out of his room, laughing at how gullible Rachel is, not understanding that Rachel knows, but is pretending not to.

Ross: comes in to Central Perk after getting some bad news: Emily's getting married. He tells the gang unable to hide his anger, which is only more apparent when he orders, and crushes, a scone. Later, he tells Phoebe all about a nasty letter he wrote Emily. At first he's appalled to find that one of the birds has messed on the letter, but then finds it fitting. He, Joey, and Phoebe are supposed to go to a movie, but he backs out because he wants to be alone. The next day, everyone but Chandler is gathered at Joey's, worried because Ross was out all night. Monica's pretty freaked, since that's not particularly Ross-like behavior. When he finally strolls in, Monica confronts him. Ross says he just went out for a walk, and to a bar. Joey gaspingly announces that Ross must've hooked up with someone. Ross doesn't want to talk about it, but the apartment door flies open to reveal Janice, coming in to return Ross's scarf. Janice is upset that everyone knows, since she's supposed to be pining for Chandler in Yemen. The group assures Janice that they're not judging her. She leaves, and Ross tells everyone that he plans on seeing her again because they've got a lot in common. No one is amused. Ross tells Joey and Phoebe about another great date with Janice, saying it was really easy to open up to her about all the negative things going on in his life. Ross meets Janice in Central Perk, under the impression that their relationship is going really well. Janice starts to leave, but Ross pulls her back. He starts talking, but interrupts himself to whine about his coffee being wrong. Janice can't stand it anymore, and tells Ross that she can't be with him because he whines too much. Ross is stunned that Janice is breaking up with him because she finds him annoying. He realizes how ridiculous he's been acting, fully supporting Janice's breakup. Ross eventually tells Chandler about hooking up with Janice. Instead of being upset, Chandler laughs. Ross's surprised Chandler took it so well, since dating another guy's ex is one of those unwritten rules, along with dating someone's relative. Chandler quickly feigns anger, but tells Ross he forgives him for dating Janice. He's quick to encourage Ross to remember that he's forgiving him, that he's letting Ross live with him and Joey free of rent, and, for added brownie points, Chandler gives him twenty-seven bucks. He decides to write it all down, in case Ross forgets.

Joey and Phoebe: hang out quite a bit this episode. Joey does talk to Rachel some about Monica and Chandler. They go see You've Got Mail together, the night Ross disappears. They're racing the chick and duck when Ross comes home after his second date with Janice. They don't want him seeing her, and Phoebe tells him that they'll listen to his problems... before being distracted by the chick and duck race.

• How is Joey not disgustingly fat?

Behold the power of the napkin bib.

• Chandler's wearing his Leatherstocking vest again.

• Scones! MY scones!

Ross's version of the Boston Tea Party

• See, Chandler and Monica go to his work party, but I thought their relationship was secret from everyone. Not that they were just hiding it from their friends, which makes it seem like they're ashamed.

• Doug is still disgusting, and I still can't type his name without making it dough.

• I like that Rachel tries to get Monica to open up to her. She doesn't sneak around trying to catch Monica and Chandler in the act, but gives Monica chances to tell her about the relationship.

• I love You've Got Mail. I'm sure this makes me lame, but seriously, I watch it every time it's on TV. Why Joey's willingly going to see it is beyond me, though.

• Ross licks the envelope after one of the bird's makes a mess on it.

• Matthew Perry plays tennis!
  

This is soooooo exciting! Cause, y'know, he used to play tennis, and was good enough to go pro. He guest-starred on an episode of the old 90210 as a tennis player, too!

• Monica's sort of a jerk.

Tennis player, airplane--who can decide?

• I get why Chandler acts fake with the people he works with, especially his boss. Obviously, he should be able to be himself, but sometimes it's easier to just play along.

Dear God, his mouth is open wide.

• I play tennis a little like John McEnroe, but I have never once bent the top of my racket.
  

• Ross is gone for one night, and Monica gathers everyone together to worry about what happened.
  

Hello, he's an adult, he can do that if he wants.

• Janice and Ross!!!!

Janice still thinks Chandler's in Yemen. She's also wearing what I believe is a yeti.

• Rachel says that Monica's nickname for Chandler is just Mr. Big. I'm pretty sure Monica was going to say more than that during the phone conversation Rachel overheard. It sounded more like "Mr. Big--" And since when do you coo at someone that they're a bigot?

• I can think of nothing better to do with my free time, than race a chick and duck.

• It's great how they handle Monica knowing that Rachel knows. Rachel understands not to say anything, but is still able to silently convey her approval.

• God, you know it's bad when Janice dumps you for being too annoying.

• I don't really understand why no one tells Chandler about Janice and Ross sooner. No one acts like it's supposed to be a big secret, or anything.

The Magna Doodle Says:

Joey call Kim :)

Oh. My. God.

"Sorry, Monica and Chandler are making love." -Joey, to Rachel, when he thinks she's scolding him for saying Monica and Chandler are doing it.

"STUPID BRITISH SNACK FOOD!!!!!!" -Ross, pummeling a scone after learning of Emily's upcoming marriage.

"So, are you still mad about the Louisiana Purchase?"

"Pheebs, I don't think anyone's mad about that."

"Exactly! Because it's in the past!" -Phoebe and Rachel, while Phoebe is trying to convince Ross he can't be mad about the past.

"He's never even talked to me outside of work. Except for that time when we bumped into each other at that strip club... strip church." -Chandler, to Monica, about Doug.

"Oh, I used to, but then Joey thought it would be fun to go to Central Park and hit rocks at... bigger rocks." -Chandler, to Monica, explaining why he has to find a tennis racket.

"Are you sure you don't want to come? Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan, they get mail and stuff." -Joey, to Ross, trying to convince him to come to the movies.

"Am I on fire today or what?! Those birds are browned, basted, and ready to be carved!" -Monica, gloating during the tennis match.

"You're not even giving them a chance!"

"They have rackets, don't they?!" -Chandler and Monica, when Chandler wants to let Doug and Kara win the next game.

"Maybe we should check the trash chute." -Joey, when Ross is missing.

"Oh, nobody's judging you." -Phoebe, to Janice, after she and Ross sleep together.

"Okay, look, I--I know what you guys are going to say..."

"You two will have very hairy children."

"Okay, I didn't know you would say that." -Ross and Phoebe, after he spends the night with Janice.

"Congratulations on your new job." -Rachel, to Monica, after she catches Monica at Chandler's.

"Let--let me make sure I'm hearing this right. You're ending this with me because I'm too whiney? So you're saying, I've become so whiney that I annoy you, Janice." -Ross, after Janice breaks up with him.

"Well, I guess that's two out of three, Joey." -Janice, to Joey.

TOW: all the Resolutions

It's New Year's Eve and the gang's having a party at Monica and Rachel's. Joey's excited, but Chandler's not too happy because he wants to kiss Monica at midnight, but can't because the group didn't have plans to kiss. Joey runs around to arrange kisses, so that Chandler and Monica can kiss without it seeming weird.

After the party ends, they discuss their resolutions for 1999 (holy crap, that seems like such a long time ago).

Ross: first says that he's not going to have any divorces in 1999, before Rachel points out that his divorce from Emily isn't finalized yet. Ross then says that he wants to have fun, and do one new thing everyday. The firs thing Ross does is to ask out a woman he meets in Central Perk. It actually goes well for him, and he schedules the date for the next night. The afternoon of his date, Ross brings Ben over to Monica and Rachel's, because Monica's babysitting. Ross is wearing leather pants, which everyone pretends to like to mess with Chandler. Ross explains that he always walks by a leather store, thinking how great it smells, and he buys the pants to have good smelling pants. Chandler leaves, and everyone tells Ross the pants are horrible. He likes them, though, and wears them on his date with Elizabeth. He and Elizabeth (Sarah Peterson) watch a movie, but he's really hot and uncomfortable because of the pants. Elizabeth wants to snuggle, and Ross excuses himself to use the bathroom. Once inside, he pulls his pants down, sitting on the bathtub, fanning himself with a magazine, and splashing water on his legs to cool down. He feels much better, which is good since Elizabeth calls for him to come out and watch the movie. Ross tugs his pants up, but they're stuck. In a panic, he calls Joey for advice. Joey suggests using powder to absorb the sweat. Ross splatters powder all over himself and Elizabeth's bathroom. He tries to pull his pants up, but they're still stuck. After a few more suggestions, Joey mentions using Vaseline. Ross can't find any of that, but does see some lotion. He spurts the lotion on top of the powder, yanking his pants up. They still won't go up all the way, and now the powder and lotion have formed a paste. Elizabeth eventually goes to the door, begging Ross to emerge. He asks her to turn the lights off, but she won't. He comes out holding his pants, covered in the powder-lotion paste. Elizabeth's horrified. He goes over to Monica and Rachel's to get Ben. Everyone's over and are sympathetic over what happened to him with the pants. Ross feels like a huge idiot, but Monica comforts him by showing Ross a picture Ben drew. In the picture, Ross is a cowboy because of his leather pants. The drawing makes Ross feel much better, to the point that he's considering buying a pair of fringed leather pants.

Joey and Phoebe: Joey's resolution is to learn to play the guitar. He's listed some 'special skills' on his resume, and he'd like some of those to be true. Phoebe offers to teach him how to play, since she was able to teach herself. Joey thinks it's a great idea. The meet in Central Perk for their first lesson. Phoebe forbids Joey from touching an actual guitar, wanting to teach him the chords first. The problem is, Phoebe never bothered learning the names of the actual chords. Instead, she made up names based on how her hands looked when they were on the strings. She teaches Joey these made up names, and he does really well, at first. He's practicing at Monica and Rachel's, and Phoebe congratulates him at how well he's doing. He starts talking about how he stopped in a guitar shop the other day, making Phoebe freak out. She knows he touched a guitar, which he wasn't supposed to. She scolds him. Phoebe quizzes Joey about the chords, using her made up names. He's not doing so well, and Phoebe thinks he hasn't been practicing. Joey argues, saying he practiced a lot. Phoebe continues with the quiz, but is horrified when Joey mumbles the actual chord name to himself. She gets upset, since he's obviously using an alternative method to learn. They get in a fight, and Joey decides to use a professional. Joey goes home, having a talk with the chick and duck. He thinks they're guilting him for treating Phoebe badly. He's interrupted by Ross' panicked stuck-pants calls, and again when Rachel comes by with some big news. Joey eventually finds Phoebe in Central Perk and apologizes for their fight. He says he wants her to teach him, and he'll do everything she says. Phoebe decides he's ready to hold the guitar. Joey promptly drops it, and didn't even have the chord right.

Rachel: doesn't make a resolution of her own. Instead, her resolution is suggested after she finds a pair of glasses a guest named Blair forgot. Rachel promptly starts talking about Blair's philandering boyfriend. Monica tells Rachel that her resolution should be to stop gossiping. Rachel doesn't think she gossips very much, or at least, she looks at it as passing on vital information. Rachel agrees to the resolution, sure she won't have any trouble. Monica gets out Rachel's diary, to prove that she does have problems keeping resolutions. The year before, Rachel said she'd write in her diary every day, but didn't write more than one entry. Rachel thinks she can handle it. The day after she starts the resolution, Phoebe congratulates her for not gossiping at all that day. Rachel's proud of herself, because she learned a big secret about someone, and hasn't told. Rachel walks out into the empty common room to use the phone. When she picks it up, she hears Monica setting up a rendezvous. The man that replies is, of course, Chandler. Rachel's shocked, not sure what to do with the information. She ends up going over to talk to Joey about what she heard. Joey refuses to listen, he doesn't want to know anymore secrets, and Rachel's not supposed to gossip. Rachel and Joey end up alone, when Monica and Chandler have their tryst. Rachel hints around at what she knows, and Joey refuses to listen. Rachel suggests that if he found out on his own, then they could talk about it. Joey agrees to that, and Rachel tries to get him to go into Chandler's bedroom. They sorta realize that they each know something, but aren't really sure it's the same thing. It finally comes out, and Joey's relieved that someone else knows, but he swears Rachel to secrecy.

Chandler: makes a joke at Phoebe's expense when she says her resolution is to learn to fly a commercial airplane. She suggests that Chandler's resolution be to not make fun of his friends. The other's think that's a good idea, but don't believe Chandler can handle it. Ross bets him fifty bucks that he can't go a whole week without making fun of his friends. Chandler accepts the challenge. The gang makes it as hard for Chandler as possible. Ross's date, Elizabeth, has a funny last name--Hornswaggle. Ross and Joey keep bringing it up, wanting Chandler to break. He keeps it together, but almost loses it when Phoebe runs through her name for the guitar chords. Ross's leather pants don't help Chandler's plight much. He wants to make fun of them, but can't. The other's tell Ross they like the pants just to drive Chandler crazy. Chandler has to leave to avoid hysteria. The saga of the pants worsen when Ross considers getting a fringed pair to please Ben. Eventually, he gives up, giving Ross the fifty, and making all the jokes he kept in.

Monica: makes a resolution to stop worrying about cleanliness. Rachel crumbles a cracker on the floor, making Monica freak, and change her resolution. She decides to take more pictures of the group. She makes the resolutions competitive, saying that hers is the best because everyone can enjoy it.

• Is it just me, or is Joey arranging it so Chandler and Monica can kiss at midnight not the sweetest thing?

• Chandler's resolution is the best. Without a doubt.

• I didn't realize that Rachel had a gossiping problem. I've never heard her do it.

• Phoebe once lit a girl's bicycle on fire when the girl was gossiping about Phoebe. What was the girl saying? That Phoebe was crazy.

• I love Phoebe's names for the chords. These names include bear claw, turkey leg, old lady, tiger, dragon, and iceberg.

Old Lady.

• Phoebe doesn't know the chords (obviously), but she argues about them with Chrissie Hynde in the second season.

• Ross's leather pants.

Amazing.

• Rachel's expression when she picks up the phone and hears Monica and Chandler is priceless.

• I'd like to know Chandler's nickname.

• Ross, with a doctorate in paleontology, asks Joey what to do about the pants. Does he really think it's going to work out? Really?

• Joey throws a little fit when Rachel's about to tell him what she heard on the phone. Chandler sneaks up while Joey's eyes are closed. This happens:

• Is there a good way to explain this?
  

Anything at all?

• You have to admit, Chandler does amazingly well with his resolution considering the leather pants debacle, and Phoebe flying airplanes.

Oh. My. God.

" 1999! The Year of Joey!" -Joey, celebrating the New Year.

"Y'know what? I'm gonna go out on a limb and say no divorces in '99!"

"But your divorce isn't even final yet."

"Just the one divorce in '99!" -Ross and Rachel.

"Now, all you have to do is find a plane load of people who's resolution is to plummet to their deaths." -Chandler, to Phoebe, upon learning she wants to pilot a commercial plane.

"And you know what, paying me the fifty bucks could be the 'new thing you do' that day!" -Chandler, to Ross, after they decide on their bet.

"I mean, would you call Ted Kopel a gossip?"

"Well, if Ted Kopel talked about his coworkers botched boob jobs, I would." -Rachel and Monica, after Rachel compares herself to Ted Kopel.

"Well, let's just say I found something out about someone and let's just say she's gonna keep it." -Rachel not gossiping.

"Oooh, you nailed the old lady!" -Phoebe, to Joey, while he's practicing the chords.

"Ross is wearing leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants? Someone comment on the pants!" -Chandler, not being able to make fun of Ross's pants.

"I thought to myself, 'wow, I never really owned a good smelling pair of pants before'." -Ross, on why he decided to buy leather pants.

"No, I'm not questioning it, I'm saying it's stupid!" -Joey, to Phoebe, about her guitar teaching abilities.

"They're still--they're still not coming on man, and the lotion and powder have made a paste!" -Ross, having taken Joey's advice.

"Well, I'm just--if the paste matches the pants, you can make yourself a pair of paste pants, and she won't know the difference." -Joey, trying to help Ross with his pants.

"This year was supposed to be great! But, it's only the second day and I'm a loser with stupid leather pants that don't even fit!" -Ross, after his awful date.

"Phoebe, you know weird stuff, what's the boiling point of brain?" -Chandler, not being able to make fun of Ross's pants.

"All right, how about I go over there, and I walk into Chandler's bedroom, and I will see that thing that I think that I know, is actually the thing that I think I know!" -Rachel, to Joey, trying to figure out who knows what.

"Phoebe? Flying a jet? Better make it a spaceship so that you can get back to your home planet! And Ross, phone call for you today, Tom Jones, he wants his pants back! And Hornswoggle? What are you dating a character from Fraggle Rock?" -Chandler, losing the bet.

A mostly post-less week.

Hi, all!

I'm running into some scheduling conflicts. Sad. I'm applying to several graduate schools this fall, and unfortunately have quite a bit of work to do for that, as well as my normal, y'know, day job. I plan on continuing updating, but there won't be a regular schedule for awhile. I'm hoping to be able to write up several posts on the weekend, and put them up throughout the week. Do not be discouraged! I shan't be gone for long!

TOW: the Inappropriate Sister

Rachel: is still obsessing over Danny. He comes into Central Perk, and Rachel points him out to the group. Danny pretty much ignores them all, and Rachel says this is proof that he's still ignoring his feelings for her. Danny walks over to them, Rachel urging them all to ignore him, but no one listens. Monica asks Danny to go out with Rachel. Danny agrees, and sets the date for Friday. Later on in the week, Rachel comes home, upset. She's just seen Danny on the subway, with his arm around another woman. Monica says she's sorry about Danny. Rachel thinks Monica should be sorry, because now Rachel's more upset about Danny. Before Monica asked them out, Rachel was happy with the status quo of their relationship. Monica points out that there was no relationship. She goes on to say that Rachel should stop worrying, go on her date with Danny, and charm him into forgetting about the subway girl. Rachel agrees. Rachel and Danny's date goes really well, ending with a kiss. Danny wants to invite her in, but his sister's visiting and asleep on the couch. Rachel realizes that the girl she saw Danny with was his sister. The door opens, it's Danny's sister, Krista (Julie Lauren), up because she heard voices. Danny introduces them, and starts playfully (read: flirtatiously) bantering with Krista. He chases her around the house, tackling her on the couch, and they wrestle. Rachel's pretty creeped out. The next morning, she asks Ross and Monica about their wrestling habits. They say the wrestled all the time, when they were kids. Ross taunts Monica, and they decide to wrestle. It's not anywhere near what Danny was doing with Krista. Danny and Krista end up hanging out with the group in Central Perk. Krista gives Danny a bite of the pastry she's eating; he licks it off her finger. Then she drops a gob of icing in Danny's crotch. Krista starts wiping at Danny's crotch. Everyone in the group is icked out by it, especially Rachel. Danny and his Krista run upstairs to clean Danny's pants. Rachel realizes she shouldn't go on her second date with Danny that night. She goes to his place to break it off with him. When she starts explaining why she's ending it with him, he gets upset. He indicates that, in the past, women have broken up with him because his relationship with his sister. He asks about Rachel's relationship with her siblings, which isn't close. He goes on to say that Rachel shouldn't be upset about his good relationship with his family; that he really thinks it could go well between them. Rachel's about to relent when Krista calls to him from the bathtub. They're supposed to take a bath together, but the water's getting cold. Rachel leaves.

Ross, Joey, and Chandler: Ross reorganizes Chandler and Joey's refrigerator. Joey figures out that Ross did it because he's bored. He's not used to being unemployed, and doesn't know how to use his non-working time wisely. Joey forces Ross into Chandler's recliner, putting it into it's most relaxing position. Then he dials the phone, and they prank call Chandler at work. Joey has a meeting with Estelle, learning that he didn't get a role he was perfect for. He asks if Estelle has anything else for him; her suggestion is gay porn. Joey goes home, telling Ross about his horrible meeting with Estelle. Ross suggests that Joey write something for himself, like the Good Will Hunting Guys. Joey likes the idea, but isn't sure he has the right kind of drive to be a writer. Ross urges Joey to start writing, telling Ross he'll help Joey out; that it'll be Ross's sabbatical project. Ross is going to make Joey a daily schedule. Joey's first task is to come up with the main character's name, and it can't be Joseph or Joe. Chandler and Joey are at home; Joey's writing, and Chandler's popping a ping-pong ball into a bowl with a spoon. Joey gets irritated with Chandler, not for distracting him, but for having the bowl too close. Chandler wants Joey to play, but Joey has to finish five pages of his play before Ross gets home. Chandler suggests that they play for half-an-hour, and then Joey finishes his five pages. Joey agrees, but decides to make their game more interesting. Using fire. When Ross gets home, he looks over what Joey's written. Joey only has a short description of a character's entrance. Ross scolds him for not writing enough. Then Ross sees the written out instructions for 'fireball.' He's furious with Joey and Chandler; Joey for not doing his work, and Chandler for distracting him. Ross makes Joey stop playing and write. They're all supposed to go to a hockey game, but Ross won't let them. Joey hasn't filled his writing quota for the day. Chandler urges Ross to relax about it, thinking that Joey'll get more done without all the pressure. Ross tells Chandler that he doesn't care about Joey, and keeps distracting him with stupid games. Chandler points out that Ross's just bored, and using Joey as a project. They end up getting in a fight. Joey tries to stop it, but it ends with Ross ripping up the hockey tickets. At first Chandler's pissed, because he thinks he paid for the tickets. Ross was the one who actually bought them, so Chandler gloats. The next night, Chandler comes home, telling Ross that there's some kids playing downstairs, and asking if he wants to ruin their fun. Ross shoots back, asking if Chandler wants to invent a life threatening game for the kids to play. Joey comes home, really excited because he wrote his five pages. Chandler and Ross are still bickering, but Joey gets them to stop by asking them to read his play out loud. He hands out copies, and they start reading. It's all about two guys making up after a fight. Chandler and Ross really apologize to each other, and Joey (in the play) thanks them for caring so much about him. Since the skit was so short, Chandler and Ross ask what Joey spent the rest of the day doing. He invented a new, more dangerous version of fireball!

Phoebe: comes into Central Perk ringing a giant bell. She tells everyone that she's going to spread Holiday cheer by taking donations for the Salvation Army. The group thinks it's awesome of her to volunteer. Phoebe's really excited, not just about the spreading of cheer, but because her Salvation Army donation post is at the front door of Macy's. She got such a good position, because she told the people at Salvation Army she could say Merry Christmas in twenty-five languages. Phoebe's Salvation Army gig goes really well at first. Monica comes by and Phoebe guilts her into donation a lot more than she intended. But Phoebe ends up getting in a fight with a guy who takes money out of the bucket. Her Salvation Army stint only gets worse. The next time she works, a girl throws her trash in the bucket. Then, a man throws a cigarette in. Phoebe grabs a drink out of a man's hand, throwing it on the smoldering donations. The once only smoking charity bursts into flame. Phoebe complains to Monica and Ross about how horrible people are. They've thrown their trash in the bucket, stole from it, and peed in it. Phoebe decides to be tougher, planning on acting like Street Phoebe. When she goes out collecting the next time, she's made a ton of warning signs to hang around the bucket. An old lady gives a donation, but Phoebe inspects it before allowing the woman to put it in. Phoebe finds some lint in the change and chases the lady away. As this is happening, Phoebe's boss from the Salvation Army arrives. He's brought another bell-ringer to replace Phoebe. They'd been getting a lot of bad reports about Phoebe.

Monica: says something sarcastic in Central Perk, which makes Phoebe comment that she's starting to act like Chandler. Chandler and Monica deny (at the same time, saying the same thing). She gets really tired of hearing Rachel moan over Danny, so she asks Danny out for Rachel. When Rachel comes home, after seeing Danny with another girl, Monica's got Chandler over. He's hiding out in her bedroom. When Rachel goes into her room, she smuggles Chandler out. She goes to Macy's to donate to the Salvation Army. Phoebe keeps commenting on how little she's contributing, but that she could buy an expensive coat and get her nails done. Monica ends up giving all the cash and change she has on her. She and Ross answer questions about wrestling when they were kids. Monica always won, but Ross says it was only because she was fat. They decide to end the discussion by staging a wrestling match (in a non-creepy, incestuous way). She's unbelievably grossed out by Danny and Krista during the sucking-pastry-off-her-finger-crotch-dabbing incident. At the end, Joey makes her and Rachel read a new play he's written. The play has the female characters getting, uh, intimate. When they realize, they refuse to keep reading.

• Hehehehe, prank calling Chandler!

If it's been going on for six months, you'd think he'd have realized it was Joey. Hell, he should've realized that for the very first call!

• In the DVD version of the prank, Joey says "I can seeeeeee you. You look sexy in your new suit." It's brilliant.

• Finally! Phoebe notices strange instances of Monica/Chandler intimacy!

It's about freaking time, people.

• I don't get why Danny agrees to go on a date withRachel, when only a few episodes before he was trying to set her up with Doug Benson. Y'know he just didn't seem that interested.
  

I guess that might be because he's got that 'special relationship' with his sister.
Every thing looks so damn festive.

• I think Joey'd be good at gay porn.

• Phoebe's such a good Salvation Army bell ringer.

That whole charitable thing fits her to a T.

• Are people really such d-bags with the Salvation Army buckets? I totally get why Phoebe's upset, but I definitely wouldn't react the same.

• The guy who takes money from the bucket is the pirate from Pirates of the Caribbean who says "Ello, poppet," when he finds Keira Knightley in the cupboard.

Y'know, the portly one who's friends with the one with the wooden eye.

• I feel that life at Chandler and Joey's is fraught with peril. Hammer darts? Fireball?

And by fraught with peril, I mean awesome.

• Flaming Charity

That kinda sounds like a great name for a band.

• Yeah, I have a brother and we've rough-housed, but not like this. And definitely not when I'm only wearing a button down and underwear.

That kinda stuff's reserved for my fiance.

• Ross really goes too far with making Joey write. It's because he's trying to be a good friend, yes, but Chandler's not wrong when he tells Ross he's only pushing Joey so hard because he's bored.

• Ross, you want Joey to write a play. Dude, your expectations are too high.

• Whenever I see this episode, I manage to convince myself these are Monica's pj's.

They are not.

• In what kinda Flowers in the Attic family is it okay to suck pastry off of your sister's finger?!

Ew, ew, ew.

• Random V.C. Andrews related side-note: "Eat the cookie, mother!!"

• I've always felt ridiculously bad for the old woman who accidentally donates lint.

Phoebe, you've officially gone round the bend.

• Yeah, the brother-sister bath time just takes the creepy to a whole new level.

I could take the wrestling and finger licking, but the bath is just an icky you can't erase.

• Joey's Chandler-and-Ross-make-up skit is so cute.
  

• Fear this

The Magna Doodle says:

"Shot", I think, but it's hard to read. There's something else written during Chandler and Ross's fight, but I can't make it out.

Oh. My. God.

"Hey, I am not unemployed. I'm on sabbatical."

"Hey, don't get religious on me, okay?" -Ross and Joey, when they're talking about how bored Ross is.

"Hey, you guys, guess what?"

"The British are coming?" -Phoebe and Chandler, when she comes into Central Perk ringing her Salvation Army bell.

"So this year, I'm going to do the whole city."

"Y'know, I knew a girl in high school who did that. She was very popular." -Phoebe and Monica, discussing Phoebe's spreading of Christmas cheer.

"Bite me, blondie!" -the guy who steals from the Salvation Army bucket, to Phoebe.

"Well, you suck. But at least you suck at a man's game, now." -Joey, to Chandler, after he makes Chandler move the bowl and spoon further apart.

"Yeah, I think we said good-bye to that when we invented hammer darts." -Joey, to Chandler, when Chandler urges him to be careful so they can get their security deposit back.

"A room. A man enters. He looks suspicious." -Ross, reading Joey's play.

"This is helping your career?! Huh? I thought you wanted to be an actor not the creator of crazy lawsuit game!" -Ross, to Joey, when he learns all he did that day was make up rules to fireball.

"No more Mrs. Nice Bucket!" -Phoebe, deciding to protect her bucket.

"In fact, I was undefeated."

"Uh, you weighed 200 pounds." -Monica and Ross, about when they used to wrestle.

"Oh, so being a good friend means acting like a total jerk?"

"If it does, then you're an amazing friend of mine." -Chandler and Ross, during their fight.

"They're brother and sister!!!" -Joey, learning that Danny and Krista are siblings.

"And call their mother!" -Monica, when Rachel says she's going to end it with Danny.

"That chick can't handle my corner." -Phoebe, to the girl who's taking her Salvation Army spot.

"Alright, I'll give you one pointer: look out for that bitch. -Phoebe, to the girl who takes her corner, about the old lady who donates lint.

"Danny, hurry up! That bath is getting cold!" -Krista, to Danny.

"There's some kids playing in the street, you wanna go down there and give them a project, ruin their day?"

"Hey, if they have a ball maybe you can stick razor blades in it, and teach them a new game, Gonna Need Stitches Ball." -Chandler and Ross, still fighting.

"Great! Now we can go to the Ranger game last night!" -Chandler, after Joey says he's finished his five pages for the day.

"Yeah, or also when you don't have somebody breathing down your neck ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY." -Chandler, on why Joey got so much work done.

"Could I be more sorry."

"I don't know, I'm one sorry polentologist." -Chandler and Ross, reading Joey's skit.